No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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