so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you would pick up someone in the library
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize