she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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