cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
