I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
