I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
