Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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