i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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