My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize