I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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