Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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