I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
