spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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