Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she peed on how many people?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
