Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
