i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
