Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
