can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
