I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
