At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
