I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize