Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
of course. lets lasso hookers.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
