Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
