The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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