He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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