i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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