just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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