Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
