Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
