well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
