Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
