i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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