can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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