I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize