I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
