i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
do herpes really smell.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
