I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
