My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
