Your mouth is God's brothel.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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