Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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