also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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