you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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