I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
