This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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