My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
