dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
