thus making me awesome and them whores
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
