but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
