new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
