i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
