i was born a porn star she said
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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