i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We're too hungover to prance.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
