It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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