My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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