thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
