Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
