Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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